Thursday, May 17, 2007
This feature rounds out the Expat Experts' draft analysis. I would have posted it earlier but Irving and I encountered a fairly serious speed bump. As many of you know, Irving is currently conducting his studies from the south side of the Mason-Dixon (or from behind the Retard Curtain, if you like). Irv completed his draft analysis weeks ago, but unfortunately the State of Alabama prohibits writing about anything that doesn't revolve around Alabama football. I think you'll find it worth the wait:
ALRIGHT SPORTS FANS LET'S GO:
TEAM ONE: THE DINK TANK (i've taken the trouble of naming the teams for you this year)
anyway, yeah, dink tank, like "think tank", get it? yeah? fuck you then.
first off, this team kicks fucking ass. everyone that's seen staib hit a wiffleball will tell you that physics is a fucking joke and that staib violates its "laws" with his mind. and his bat. i once saw staib knock a baseball out of fenway park and he was hitting with a used condom. and i mean a real baseball, not one of those tarted-up lotto balls you jokers "play" with.
TEAM TWO: LADY
this team is pretty cool because it has fifty fucking people on it. awesome. this team is like the raddest dorm room in the whole honors wing cos there's ten people in it getting drunk in the middle of the day and it's totally finals on monday!!1!
dig on that for a minute.
ok, got your mind put back together yet? then get ready to have it blown up again. one word: witham. witham is going to bust this league open like a frozen beer. and then he'll pick up all the pieces and make an island. why? because he's a gentleman, that's why. and a top-shelf pitcher, or batter, or baseman, or whatever he does in this bullshit game. like i care.
i do care. i care primarily because there is a player on this team who completely prohibits apathy, or anything less than complete adoration. i'm talking about peter kennedy III (hi google). i've never seen pete play wiffleball, and yet that fact has done nothing to diminish my affection for him. i guess what i'm saying is that i'm in love with pete. pete, call me ;-)
i like the rest of this team too. they seem like good people. they got mick. i like him. they got jake. he's an alright dude. he drinks though. drinks bad. i don't know if you guys know that. he called me the other day drunk as hell and told me that the whole wiffleball league was just a set-up to get everyone on the field at once so that his "boy" could break into everyone's houses. come to the diamond unprepared and this team will rob you of the win and your gaybird widescreen tv.
TEAM THREE: THE FIFTY FIRST DATES
this team is so kickass that i almost can't keep it together. seriously, i blacked out when i tried to read the roster. i got as far as "brett" and then i woke up on the floor with a bloody nose. this team makes the competition look like dead mice (i assume). another good thing about this team is everything. and gia. holy great god, gia. i don't understand why the rest of you guys even let gia play. you guys are gluttons for punishment. you guys must like being humiliated. you guys should just go all the way and wear leather masks and ball gags to gameday. i once saw gia play a wiffleball game so complete and perfect in its design and execution that afterwards i didn't speak for a year. and the next time i did speak it was to offer gia my lifelong servitude.
well i think that about says it all. here are some outtakes from the original version:
- Many people in society have differing opinions on the good and bad characteristics of the three teams in the Wiffleball for Alcohol League. (rejected for poor wording)
- Msg for Jake czerwin WiffLEbll leauge Low-price Viagr@ and other meds CIALIS tnight
- shane kennedy, mrs shane kennedy, shane mckay kennedy, mrs s. kennedy (erased from the margins during initial edit)
from the sportsdink,
Sunday, May 13, 2007
This week's feature is draft analysis by another former wiffle standout, Stephen Mangat (aka The One Man Invasion). From his unusual slap-and-run batting approach to his creative death-from-above pitching style, he will likely go down as the most gimmicky player in WFA history. True to form, this is the most gimmicky post on the blog yet: Steve sent his submission via carrier pigeon all the way from Romania.
From about a quarter of the way around the world, I come to you with with a pre-season, post-draft review of Wiffleball For Alcohol. Having spent the past week analyzing the few strengths and many weaknesses of each team, I can only decide that all of the teams are a shadow of those in the past. The league commissioner asked me to compare each team to a band and it didn't take much thinking to figure out that the teams would be Van Halen, Aerosmith and Bon Jovi respectively. Alternatively one could describe them as Wham!, Culture Club and Gary Glitter. Finally they could be Elton John, Liberace and the gay Italian guy who is blind. I'll leave it up to others to decide which team is which.
My first impression was surprise at the sheer number of participants in this year's season. I always thought that this league was an insiders-only elitist club for us. Now it seems as if Jake "Branch Rickey" Czerwin has gone out and open the doors to all kinds of riff-raff. This will be a disaster when one team shows up with nine and another shows up with five, three of which will be girls. I was also shocked at the number of girls participating. I always thought that the only reason that we allowed girls to play was because their respective boyfriends (Jack, Willyho, Lauren) wouldn't be allowed to play unless they were included. This still holds true for the most part, but the addition of Kate Gilligan and this Nicole girl is just a step too far. Who is this Nicole girl anyway? Mimi Huynh-ba is fine by me since she is a better athlete than most of the male participants and, actually, Staib's sixth round choice could prove to be the steal of the draft.
With that said, onto the draft breakdown!
I don't see how the captains were named and I'd like an explanation. I don't think any of them have every shown any kind of leadership qualities whatsoever. Brett did purchase the rights to RaggleSnaggle.com but since he so rarely updates it, he can't get credit for that. Staib played on my soccer team when we were 11 or 12, but he quit after one season so he loses points there. I once saw Witham bong a beer before the sun came up because his stomach hurt. Edge to Witham. Flashing back to the days when yours truly played in the WFA, I don't remember Anne, Lauren or Kate Leckel being particularly useful. I don't know Katherine, but if she's dating Neil she's got to be a sucker and will subsequently be unable to lay off high heat and offspeed stuff. I have no idea how Kate Gilligan is playing, I thought she was still in Hawaii. I think she played lacrosse at SMH so that's a plus. It seems that no one knows who Nicole is so I will write nothing about her except I want an explanation as to who she is and why she is involved. We can't be elitists if we're letting everyone in New Castle County play.
Anyway, in regards to les filles, edge to Witham. The next two rounds make sense save for the inclusion of Pete. Frank, Jake, Jack, Carney and Gia are all tried and true vets that bring
guaranteed production. Pete, on the other hand, offers no such security. PK3's strength last season was his pitching but with the new league rules placing an emphasis on hitting, Pete is doomed. Also with the planet heating up, the odds are that Pete will spontaneously combust midway through the season. Edge to Staib and Brett, but if forced to take on I'll take Brett as the batter/pitcher combo of Gia and Sack Storm is top class.
The fifth round yielded solid second-tier players, but Witham's snag of the Mick with the 14th pick is a steal. An actual athlete, McConnell offers energy and will do whatever you tell him to do; this makes up for Witham's choice of Pete. Edge to Witham. The rest of the draft was filled with dross that will more than likely not be frequent participants. Staib's canny pick up of Michelle and Patass will prove to be the best of the bunch. I don't know if Chris Prima or Jeff Hoban are worth a damn (I'm guessing no). Who is this Chris Prima? Neil has never shone on the diamond either. Smack is a true wildcard but Brett says that he can't swim which is inexcusable, so he won't amount to much either. Brett took "ol' unreliable" Mike Evans and the Moleman, two potential contributors. The Mole should bring back the moustache and if Evans would grow a 'stache, they could really add something to Brett's squad. Last year's preview said that El Skell would be a bete noire for her paramour Sack Storm. I admit that I was wrong as Jack proved correct in stating, "there is only one person that can defeat Sack Storm and that is Sack Storm." Still I'm not expecting much from Lauren and why should I? Looking at the last few rounds, it's hard to tell how the picks will play out, kinda like how it takes a few seasons to really judge the NFL Draft. That said, we have to make a choice. Edge to Staib.
Here are some other predictions:
MVP - Witham (I talked to him on the phone the other day and he sounds primed)
Cy Young - Sack Storm (form is temporary, class is permanent; Sack is still the cream of the pitching crop)
Rookie of the Year - Mimi Huynh-ba (especially if her brother supplies her with the 'supplements' he was on last year)
League Champion - Witham's Team (they have Jake and we know how that works.)
That's all from this expert. Good luck to all teams.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Catch a Wiff has enlisted the help of three friends who happen to be experts in the field of wiffleball and/or alcohol. They will be checking in from time to time throughout the season to provide insightful and unbiased opinions on the state of the league.
This week's feature is a draft analysis presented by former wiffleball standout, current renaissance man, and future Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich Eating Champion of the World, the Awkward Toad.
Team Staib or as we are thinking of them, Team Love Triangle as it contain Staib, Anne, and Frank. (We aren’t sure if Frank loves Anne or Staib but we are sure he loves one of them.)
But not as much as he loves Wiffleball and we feel that Mr. Gavin’s love for the game, combined with sure-fire rookie of the year Mimi (that girl has more athleticism in her left toe than the rest of you wanks have in your whole bodies, even Witham’s body, and that is a lot of body) will lead this team to the top of the division.
Anne is always solid for a few walks and a few putouts (get it?). Kelli will do her job and distract Moleman, who was apparently coming on strong last year as he finally got his swing straightened out, and we mean that literally, two years ago he looked like he was trying to hit a golf ball).
Carney is a former baseball player and his dad owns a bar. Better prerequisites for wiffleball do not exist.
Willy is a tough call. Sometimes he is all over the field making plays and sometimes he is all over Katie or climbing the backstop in inebriated celebration. We will be interested to see which direction his career takes as he is now a hardcore wiffle-veteran and will be looked to by the younger players to provide leadership.
Pat is fat.
Zach is always reliable for a great cheesesteak so I would want him on my squad even if he struck out every at bat. (Apparently a distinct possibility.)
As for Zaber, we know him not at all, but we think the story about him working almost every day for three months is hilarious and we bet he spent that entire time just trying to figure out what a hedge fund is. We defy him to explain it to us! (If he can, then we just might tap him to handle our short-terms assets which we are looking to trade on the futures exchange and currently maintain an extremely low credit risk as long as their liquidity is ensured and they remain highly standardized [i.e. those underlying assets we own with a certain Saudi family whose name rhymes with Sin Gaden.]) Step to it, Zaber.
If this team were a band we guess they would be Big Head Staib and the Monsters because we are not clever.
Coming in a close second is Brett’s Team, The Sleepy Weird Guys.
Both Moleman and Evans on the same squad? If the game starts before 7, Evans will never get there, and if it doesn’t end before 8, Mole will be out.
And finally we have Witham’s Squad, Team Eh?
MVP – Mimi
Rookie of the Year – Mimi
Cy Young – Jack
This expert opinion – Not as funny as the other two
Most times absent – Skelly
Most times hooking up with
Dual Award Biggest Head/Best at
Most times getting beat up in a parking lot – Anne/Toad
Most spaghetti – Mole
Most cigarettes smoked – Evans/Carney
Sunday, April 29, 2007
If you are wondering why girls were selected for the first 6 picks, just remember that this league is fueled by booze. The captains met beforehand and agreed over a couple drinks to pick only females for the first two rounds. None of them remember why.
Monday, April 9, 2007
What was the message? Well, it was kinda a two part mandate: the bullpen needs to perform well and the Phillies cannot start out slowly again. The last few years our bullpen has been leakier than Witham's Big Dog underwear and the team's poor performance in April has ended up costing them a spot in the playoffs in September.
So how did the Phillies respond? They burst out to a 1-6 record with the bullpen blowing leads in 5 of the 6 losses.
But before I depress you too much, I want to look back at a happier time...
It was a week ago and we hadn't lost a game yet.
I would like to give a special thanks to some people.
1) Nicole - thanks for getting us tickets to Opening Day. It is a day I will never
2) Evans - thanks for the tickets and thanks for chaperoning me.
3) Witham - thanks for sneaking into the Hall of Fame club to steal us beers after they stopped serving the regular folks. They need to make a Dirty Rotten Scoundrels 2.
4) The fine people at Peanut Chews - they sponsored College Night and gave out thousands of free candies
5) Oleck - thank you for throwing dozens of Peanut Chews (and hot dogs) at the heads of the Braves fans in front of us. If only the Phillies could have gotten that many direct hits.
This season could be a long one but the beer line will be shorter. See you at the game.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Every major band uses Ticketmaster to sell their tickets and this is obviously a big step forward for the official rock band of WFA. The show is on Tuesday, April 10th at the North Star bar in Philly. I have wandered into this place before and it is a great place to see a band. And if the Relay happen to suck, there is a balcony over the stage that would serve as a great place from which to launch spitballs and ice at Rich.
If that wasn't enough, there is a possibility that this guy from last weekend's East End show might make another appearance.
Monday, April 2, 2007
The other coaches?
I think this year will be ruthless, since all of the coaches are proven winners, whether it's beer pong, quarters or holding your breath competitions. None of us like to lose and we all have our respective talents. Mine just happen to be more gay.
With that said, Witham may be a half-decent skipper, but his one-handed approach to the batter's box is a joke. He may hit a few more balls this year due to the meatball effect, but everyone else will probably be crushing the ball. Homeruns will be a dime a dozen this year, and even the whoa-men will belt a few homers thanks to those gargantuan red [bats] they're so good at wielding. Witham's pitching abilities should be noted however, even with the meatball provision. He's likely to exploit everyone's weaknesses while he's up there (be it "high ones" or "dirtballs"), having no mercy on the girls. Also, his ratty post-golf shirts have got to go. Wear the wiffle uniform or die, poser.
Staib? I don't know what to think of his coaching abilities. Isn't he an Orioles fan? He'll probably just draft Neil first because he wore an Orioles hat once. At the plate, he's a lefty, so he'll probably cause problems later in the day when people are too lazy to shift. He does have some power though, so he'll probably be able to motivate his team with words like, "C'mon, you losers!" In the end though, his at-bats will be peppered with jeers from opposing teams like "ANITA!!" and "BIG HEAD!!!" which will start to get to him by the end of Game 2. Also, while pitching his head will block out the sun for opposing batters and his ERA will skyrocket....
There. I couldn't write a paragraph about Staib w/o making fun of his noggin' either. You can all go to hell.
Ouch. I think it's safe to say this means war between these team leaders. It will be interesting to see how Matthew and Staib react to that outburst. One thing is for certain though, Brett is intimidating:
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Anyway, please vote if you think this is a good idea to let the girls use the actual red bats.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
1) if you already read them, read them again (Natural Habitat & One Man Invasion). They refresh their pages faster than Witham trying to get first crack at Phil Collins tickets on ticketmaster.com. They are also extremely intelligent and fucking hilarious to look at...kinda like Stephen Hawking.
2) if you don't want to read them, then fine. Don't.
There is really nothing I can do to make you. I hope you are happy, dildo.
Monday, March 12, 2007
We didn't exactly score a lot last year....
But let's not worry about that now. Let's talk about wiffle. Last season the scoring was somewhat scarce. Teams averaged less than 3 runs per game. While some of us enjoy pitching duels, I think more of us would enjoy actually hitting the ball a couple times a game.
What is the cause of our anemic offenses?
The most obvious possibilities are: 1) we suck at batting or 2) the pitchers are really good. Anyone that has faced Frank's fastball or Jack's whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it would probably side with the latter. Each team had at least one overly dominate pitcher who kept the bats silent and made scoring too difficult.
Any ideas on how to fix it?
I suggest we lower the number of innings a pitcher can throw. It is currently set at 8 innings per weekend, allowing a pitcher to throw a complete game and then come in for two innings in the second game. For a lot of opposing teams, that translates into 8 scoreless innings. By dropping the maximum to 3 or 4 innings, teams would not be able to rely on their ace (or aces) nearly as much. Consequentially, teams would be required to use 3 or 4 pitchers for the weekend instead of the usual 2. Hopefully this will loosen up some hits and get some higher scoring games. At the very least, it would let more people try pitching and get everybody more involved in the game.
Yes. Mike Evans has a good idea. He suggested that we start the league earlier this year to ensure we can get enough beach debauchery without sacrificing any wiffleball debauchery. And we need to have a championship this year. We MUST have a championship this year.
Vote so we can figure out what to do. Just type a comment below. You don't need to sign in to leave a comment.
Anyway, our league isn't traditional and we don't use wood. We use yellow plastic (and maybe red plastic if Patass's home run drought continues). And we drink beers, and we have a good time. Since none of us have really grown up yet, and we haven't..I have pictures to prove it, I don't see a reason to stop.
Let's hope season five is as awesome as the fifth season of X-Files.
It was, and Lost sucks ballbag.