Sunday, April 29, 2007

2007 Draft

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2007 Wiffleball for Alcohol teams:

If you are wondering why girls were selected for the first 6 picks, just remember that this league is fueled by booze. The captains met beforehand and agreed over a couple drinks to pick only females for the first two rounds. None of them remember why.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Monday, April 9, 2007


For two months leading up to the start of baseball, the Philadelphia area was subjected to a mantra-like message regarding the town's baseball team. It was reiterated almost daily in a whole range of newspapers and magazines. Granted, it was partially filler for writers with pages to fill but my point is that it was unavoidable. Communists only wish their propaganda machines could have had this much saturation.

What was the message? Well, it was kinda a two part mandate: the bullpen needs to perform well and the Phillies cannot start out slowly again. The last few years our bullpen has been leakier than Witham's Big Dog underwear and the team's poor performance in April has ended up costing them a spot in the playoffs in September.

So how did the Phillies respond? They burst out to a 1-6 record with the bullpen blowing leads in 5 of the 6 losses.

Maybe the Phillies just can't read.

(Go ahead and count...he has six fingers. On each hand)

But before I depress you too much, I want to look back at a happier time...

It was a week ago and we hadn't lost a game yet.

Opening Day

Pat the Bat in the background, mullet in the foreground

Drunk people

Witham's ass attacking Pete's car

Yeah..that is the handicap section

Drunk on College Night

Drunker on College Night

I would like to give a special thanks to some people.

1) Nicole - thanks for getting us tickets to Opening Day. It is a day I will never completely forget.
2) Evans - thanks for the tickets and thanks for chaperoning me.
3) Witham - thanks for sneaking into the Hall of Fame club to steal us beers after they stopped serving the regular folks. They need to make a Dirty Rotten Scoundrels 2.
4) The fine people at Peanut Chews - they sponsored College Night and gave out thousands of free candies
5) Oleck - thank you for throwing dozens of Peanut Chews (and hot dogs) at the heads of the Braves fans in front of us. If only the Phillies could have gotten that many direct hits.

This season could be a long one but the beer line will be shorter. See you at the game.

Go Phillies!

Thursday, April 5, 2007


I am sure you have seen Neil's e-mail about it already but I think something like this requires more attention: The Relay is on

THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Every major band uses Ticketmaster to sell their tickets and this is obviously a big step forward for the official rock band of WFA. The show is on Tuesday, April 10th at the North Star bar in Philly. I have wandered into this place before and it is a great place to see a band. And if the Relay happen to suck, there is a balcony over the stage that would serve as a great place from which to launch spitballs and ice at Rich.

If that wasn't enough, there is a possibility that this guy from last weekend's East End show might make another appearance.

Monday, April 2, 2007

An Opening Salvo

First time team captain Brett McDowell had a few words to say when he learned he had been nominated as a skipper. Take a peek:

The other coaches?

I think this year will be ruthless, since all of the coaches are proven winners, whether it's beer pong, quarters or holding your breath competitions. None of us like to lose and we all have our respective talents. Mine just happen to be more gay.

With that said, Witham may be a half-decent skipper, but his one-handed approach to the batter's box is a joke. He may hit a few more balls this year due to the meatball effect, but everyone else will probably be crushing the ball. Homeruns will be a dime a dozen this year, and even the whoa-men will belt a few homers thanks to those gargantuan red [bats] they're so good at wielding. Witham's pitching abilities should be noted however, even with the meatball provision. He's likely to exploit everyone's weaknesses while he's up there (be it "high ones" or "dirtballs"), having no mercy on the girls. Also, his ratty post-golf shirts have got to go. Wear the wiffle uniform or die, poser.

Staib? I don't know what to think of his coaching abilities. Isn't he an Orioles fan? He'll probably just draft Neil first because he wore an Orioles hat once. At the plate, he's a lefty, so he'll probably cause problems later in the day when people are too lazy to shift. He does have some power though, so he'll probably be able to motivate his team with words like, "C'mon, you losers!" In the end though, his at-bats will be peppered with jeers from opposing teams like "ANITA!!" and "BIG HEAD!!!" which will start to get to him by the end of Game 2. Also, while pitching his head will block out the sun for opposing batters and his ERA will skyrocket....

There. I couldn't write a paragraph about Staib w/o making fun of his noggin' either. You can all go to hell.

Ouch. I think it's safe to say this means war between these team leaders. It will be interesting to see how Matthew and Staib react to that outburst. One thing is for certain though, Brett is intimidating:

Captain O' Captain

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Wiffleball for Alcohol team captains:
(Left to right: the Professor, Thurston Howell III, and...uh..a coconut tree)