Thursday, May 17, 2007

Expat Experts: Irving Longface

Catch a Wiff has enlisted the help of three friends who happen to be experts in the field of wiffleball and/or alcohol. They will be checking in from time to time throughout the season to provide insightful and unbiased opinions on the state of the league.

This feature rounds out the Expat Experts' draft analysis. I would have posted it earlier but Irving and I encountered a fairly serious speed bump. As many of you know, Irving is currently conducting his studies from the south side of the Mason-Dixon (or from behind the Retard Curtain, if you like). Irv completed his draft analysis weeks ago, but unfortunately the State of Alabama prohibits writing about anything that doesn't revolve around Alabama football. I think you'll find it worth the wait:

ALRIGHT SPORTS FANS LET'S GO:

TEAM ONE: THE DINK TANK (i've taken the trouble of naming the teams for you this year)

anyway, yeah, dink tank, like "think tank", get it? yeah? fuck you then.

first off, this team kicks fucking ass. everyone that's seen staib hit a wiffleball will tell you that physics is a fucking joke and that staib violates its "laws" with his mind. and his bat. i once saw staib knock a baseball out of fenway park and he was hitting with a used condom. and i mean a real baseball, not one of those tarted-up lotto balls you jokers "play" with.

another guy i can't say enough about is zaber. how great is it going to be hearing willy yelling "staibAIR" and "zabAIR" from the dugout all season? answer: fucking unreal. everyone knows zaber completely outclasses the rest of the roster in terms of all-around ability, team spirit, and sportsmanship. this whole league’s existence is justified if only to remind everyone that zaber is the boss and you just work here and you're fired.

this rest of this team ranges from excellent to ubermensch. carney is the ubermensch. i’m bored of this team now.

TEAM TWO: LADY HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS

this team is pretty cool because it has fifty fucking people on it. awesome. this team is like the raddest dorm room in the whole honors wing cos there's ten people in it getting drunk in the middle of the day and it's totally finals on monday!!1!

anyway, it IS finals on monday, and by “finals” i mean the first time that this team plays any other team and kicks the living shit out of them. and believe me when i say that this team is going to beat the balls off every squad that they face. i can think of five other wiffleball teams that this team is better than, AND I ONLY KNOW TWO OTHER WIFFLEBALL TEAMS.

dig on that for a minute.


ok, got your mind put back together yet? then get ready to have it blown up again. one word: witham. witham is going to bust this league open like a frozen beer. and then he'll pick up all the pieces and make an island. why? because he's a gentleman, that's why. and a top-shelf pitcher, or batter, or baseman, or whatever he does in this bullshit game. like i care.


i do care. i care primarily because there is a player on this team who completely prohibits apathy, or anything less than complete adoration. i'm talking about peter kennedy III (hi google). i've never seen pete play wiffleball, and yet that fact has done nothing to diminish my affection for him. i guess what i'm saying is that i'm in love with pete. pete, call me ;-)


i like the rest of this team too. they seem like good people. they got mick. i like him. they got jake. he's an alright dude. he drinks though. drinks bad. i don't know if you guys know that. he called me the other day drunk as hell and told me that the whole wiffleball league was just a set-up to get everyone on the field at once so that his "boy" could break into everyone's houses. come to the diamond unprepared and this team will rob you of the win and your gaybird widescreen tv.

TEAM THREE: THE FIFTY FIRST DATES

this team is so kickass that i almost can't keep it together. seriously, i blacked out when i tried to read the roster. i got as far as "brett" and then i woke up on the floor with a bloody nose. this team makes the competition look like dead mice (i assume). another good thing about this team is everything. and gia. holy great god, gia. i don't understand why the rest of you guys even let gia play. you guys are gluttons for punishment. you guys must like being humiliated. you guys should just go all the way and wear leather masks and ball gags to gameday. i once saw gia play a wiffleball game so complete and perfect in its design and execution that afterwards i didn't speak for a year. and the next time i did speak it was to offer gia my lifelong servitude.

other people on this team who go the fuck off with a wiffleball bat are: evans, racis, moleman, johnny, and laur OOOPS BLACKED OUT AGAIN. let's just say "everyone".

--

well i think that about says it all. here are some outtakes from the original version:

- Many people in society have differing opinions on the good and bad characteristics of the three teams in the Wiffleball for Alcohol League. (rejected for poor wording)

- Msg for Jake czerwin WiffLEbll leauge Low-price Viagr@ and other meds CIALIS tnight Vista 4free (blocked by filter)

- shane kennedy, mrs shane kennedy, shane mckay kennedy, mrs s. kennedy (erased from the margins during initial edit)

from the sportsdink,

irving longface!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Expat Experts: The One Man Invasion

Catch a Wiff has enlisted the help of three friends who happen to be experts in the field of wiffleball and/or alcohol. They will be checking in from time to time throughout the season to provide insightful and unbiased opinions on the state of the league.

This week's feature is draft analysis by another former wiffle standout, Stephen Mangat (aka The One Man Invasion). From his unusual slap-and-run batting approach to his creative death-from-above pitching style, he will likely go down as the most gimmicky player in WFA history. True to form, this is the most gimmicky post on the blog yet: Steve sent his submission via carrier pigeon all the way from Romania.

From about a quarter of the way around the world, I come to you with with a pre-season, post-draft review of Wiffleball For Alcohol. Having spent the past week analyzing the few strengths and many weaknesses of each team, I can only decide that all of the teams are a shadow of those in the past. The league commissioner asked me to compare each team to a band and it didn't take much thinking to figure out that the teams would be Van Halen, Aerosmith and Bon Jovi respectively. Alternatively one could describe them as Wham!, Culture Club and Gary Glitter. Finally they could be Elton John, Liberace and the gay Italian guy who is blind. I'll leave it up to others to decide which team is which.

My first impression was surprise at the sheer number of participants in this year's season. I always thought that this league was an insiders-only elitist club for us. Now it seems as if Jake "Branch Rickey" Czerwin has gone out and open the doors to all kinds of riff-raff. This will be a disaster when one team shows up with nine and another shows up with five, three of which will be girls. I was also shocked at the number of girls participating. I always thought that the only reason that we allowed girls to play was because their respective boyfriends (Jack, Willyho, Lauren) wouldn't be allowed to play unless they were included. This still holds true for the most part, but the addition of Kate Gilligan and this Nicole girl is just a step too far. Who is this Nicole girl anyway? Mimi Huynh-ba is fine by me since she is a better athlete than most of the male participants and, actually, Staib's sixth round choice could prove to be the steal of the draft.

With that said, onto the draft breakdown!


I don't see how the captains were named and I'd like an explanation. I don't think any of them have every shown any kind of leadership qualities whatsoever. Brett did purchase the rights to RaggleSnaggle.com but since he so rarely updates it, he can't get credit for that. Staib played on my soccer team when we were 11 or 12, but he quit after one season so he loses points there. I once saw Witham bong a beer before the sun came up because his stomach hurt. Edge to Witham. Flashing back to the days when yours truly played in the WFA, I don't remember Anne, Lauren or Kate Leckel being particularly useful. I don't know Katherine, but if she's dating Neil she's got to be a sucker and will subsequently be unable to lay off high heat and offspeed stuff. I have no idea how Kate Gilligan is playing, I thought she was still in Hawaii. I think she played lacrosse at SMH so that's a plus. It seems that no one knows who Nicole is so I will write nothing about her except I want an explanation as to who she is and why she is involved. We can't be elitists if we're letting everyone in New Castle County play.

Anyway, in regards to les filles, edge to Witham. The next two rounds make sense save for the inclusion of Pete. Frank, Jake, Jack, Carney and Gia are all tried and true vets that bring
guaranteed production. Pete, on the other hand, offers no such security. PK3's strength last season was his pitching but with the new league rules placing an emphasis on hitting, Pete is doomed. Also with the planet heating up, the odds are that Pete will spontaneously combust midway through the season. Edge to Staib and Brett, but if forced to take on I'll take Brett as the batter/pitcher combo of Gia and Sack Storm is top class.

The fifth round yielded solid second-tier players, but Witham's snag of the Mick with the 14th pick is a steal. An actual athlete, McConnell offers energy and will do whatever you tell him to do; this makes up for Witham's choice of Pete. Edge to Witham. The rest of the draft was filled with dross that will more than likely not be frequent participants. Staib's canny pick up of Michelle and Patass will prove to be the best of the bunch. I don't know if Chris Prima or Jeff Hoban are worth a damn (I'm guessing no). Who is this Chris Prima? Neil has never shone on the diamond either. Smack is a true wildcard but Brett says that he can't swim which is inexcusable, so he won't amount to much either. Brett took "ol' unreliable" Mike Evans and the Moleman, two potential contributors. The Mole should bring back the moustache and if Evans would grow a 'stache, they could really add something to Brett's squad. Last year's preview said that El Skell would be a bete noire for her paramour Sack Storm. I admit that I was wrong as Jack proved correct in stating, "there is only one person that can defeat Sack Storm and that is Sack Storm." Still I'm not expecting much from Lauren and why should I? Looking at the last few rounds, it's hard to tell how the picks will play out, kinda like how it takes a few seasons to really judge the NFL Draft. That said, we have to make a choice. Edge to Staib.

Here are some other predictions:

MVP - Witham (I talked to him on the phone the other day and he sounds primed)

Cy Young - Sack Storm (form is temporary, class is permanent; Sack is still the cream of the pitching crop)

Rookie of the Year - Mimi Huynh-ba (especially if her brother supplies her with the 'supplements' he was on last year)

League Champion - Witham's Team (they have Jake and we know how that works.)

That's all from this expert. Good luck to all teams.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Chicks with Big Sticks

¡Big Red Bats!

How many home runs will the girls hit this year?





Thursday, May 10, 2007

Expat Experts: The Awkward Toad

Catch a Wiff has enlisted the help of three friends who happen to be experts in the field of wiffleball and/or alcohol. They will be checking in from time to time throughout the season to provide insightful and unbiased opinions on the state of the league.

This week's feature is a draft analysis presented by former wiffleball standout, current renaissance man, and future Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich Eating Champion of the World, the Awkward Toad.

.........

Team Staib or as we are thinking of them, Team Love Triangle as it contain Staib, Anne, and Frank. (We aren’t sure if Frank loves Anne or Staib but we are sure he loves one of them.)

But not as much as he loves Wiffleball and we feel that Mr. Gavin’s love for the game, combined with sure-fire rookie of the year Mimi (that girl has more athleticism in her left toe than the rest of you wanks have in your whole bodies, even Witham’s body, and that is a lot of body) will lead this team to the top of the division.

Anne is always solid for a few walks and a few putouts (get it?). Kelli will do her job and distract Moleman, who was apparently coming on strong last year as he finally got his swing straightened out, and we mean that literally, two years ago he looked like he was trying to hit a golf ball).

Carney is a former baseball player and his dad owns a bar. Better prerequisites for wiffleball do not exist.

Willy is a tough call. Sometimes he is all over the field making plays and sometimes he is all over Katie or climbing the backstop in inebriated celebration. We will be interested to see which direction his career takes as he is now a hardcore wiffle-veteran and will be looked to by the younger players to provide leadership.

Pat is fat.

Zach is always reliable for a great cheesesteak so I would want him on my squad even if he struck out every at bat. (Apparently a distinct possibility.)

As for Zaber, we know him not at all, but we think the story about him working almost every day for three months is hilarious and we bet he spent that entire time just trying to figure out what a hedge fund is. We defy him to explain it to us! (If he can, then we just might tap him to handle our short-terms assets which we are looking to trade on the futures exchange and currently maintain an extremely low credit risk as long as their liquidity is ensured and they remain highly standardized [i.e. those underlying assets we own with a certain Saudi family whose name rhymes with Sin Gaden.]) Step to it, Zaber.

If this team were a band we guess they would be Big Head Staib and the Monsters because we are not clever.


Coming in a close second is Brett’s Team, The Sleepy Weird Guys.


Both Moleman and Evans on the same squad? If the game starts before 7, Evans will never get there, and if it doesn’t end before 8, Mole will be out.

Jack and Brett provide good firepower from the mound which should keep this team in contention even if they are a player short.

Nicole coached a softball squad so she might be an asset there, but we recently witnessed her ability to handle a drunken RB and we have to say it was far from impressive.

Lauren’s fielding skills are not to be trifled with and we are sure she will provide great moral support for Jack and the two of them will get along great and never argue.

As for RB, the reigning chugging and hot-dog eating champ (although we could have eaten three times that amount if we wanted to) is a solid player who provides a good bat and some base running prowess.

Gia is of course great, although he will have the added responsibility of maintaining a household this year, a difficult task for any wiffler.

Johnny Mac ran track so he should be a threat on the base paths and Racis works at Outback so he is always good for a Bloomin’ Onion and some serious indigestion.

Katherine is also on the team.

If this second place team were a band they’d be Atheist. (They are a real group, check it: AllMusic.com says “Arguably the ultimate progressive metal band of their day, Atheist's impossibly Byzantine death-jazz proved too advanced even for committed metalheads to stomach. Over the span of three albums admirably recorded in spite of crippling adversity, the band's inventive but inaccessible style has earned them a lasting respect, but likewise compromised their chances of attaining widespread success.)

And finally we have Witham’s Squad, Team Eh?

Katie Leckel and Katie Gilligan as well as Shannon Petesgirlfriend are all fine female selections but the rest of these guys?

Mick. Sure he brings a positive attitude and some of that feisty, short Irish guy fire, but skill wise? Get the big red bat. Plus he lives in Philadelphia.

Pete. He’ll be at work. Or chasing the dragon.

Neil. He’ll have band practice. Two bands are a lot to handle and now that The Relay are on Ticketmaster, his time will really be monopolized (get it?).

Witham will be golfing or at work. (HAHAHAHAH Witham doesn’t have a job!!)

Smack is too busy bringing sexy back.

Chris Prima is another employee of that fine pizza establishment but we’re not sure what else he brings to the table and Jeff Hoban is quite a bartender but we doubt that translates in to a good batting average. (On the field that is, we hear he does quite well with the ladies.)

And of course there’s Jake. Who is awesome! (We assume the commission for this article is in the mail?)

Last place finish for this squad, who, if they were a band, would be called Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers simply because Witham would be incapable of thinking of another band name.


Projections

MVP – Mimi

Rookie of the Year – Mimi

Cy Young – Jack

This expert opinion – Not as funny as the other two

Most times absent – Skelly

Most times hooking up with Doon – Anne

Dual Award Biggest Head/Best at Ping Pong – Staib

Most times getting beat up in a parking lot – Anne/Toad

Most spaghetti – Mole

Most cigarettes smoked – Evans/Carney