Thursday, May 10, 2007

Expat Experts: The Awkward Toad

Catch a Wiff has enlisted the help of three friends who happen to be experts in the field of wiffleball and/or alcohol. They will be checking in from time to time throughout the season to provide insightful and unbiased opinions on the state of the league.

This week's feature is a draft analysis presented by former wiffleball standout, current renaissance man, and future Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich Eating Champion of the World, the Awkward Toad.


Team Staib or as we are thinking of them, Team Love Triangle as it contain Staib, Anne, and Frank. (We aren’t sure if Frank loves Anne or Staib but we are sure he loves one of them.)

But not as much as he loves Wiffleball and we feel that Mr. Gavin’s love for the game, combined with sure-fire rookie of the year Mimi (that girl has more athleticism in her left toe than the rest of you wanks have in your whole bodies, even Witham’s body, and that is a lot of body) will lead this team to the top of the division.

Anne is always solid for a few walks and a few putouts (get it?). Kelli will do her job and distract Moleman, who was apparently coming on strong last year as he finally got his swing straightened out, and we mean that literally, two years ago he looked like he was trying to hit a golf ball).

Carney is a former baseball player and his dad owns a bar. Better prerequisites for wiffleball do not exist.

Willy is a tough call. Sometimes he is all over the field making plays and sometimes he is all over Katie or climbing the backstop in inebriated celebration. We will be interested to see which direction his career takes as he is now a hardcore wiffle-veteran and will be looked to by the younger players to provide leadership.

Pat is fat.

Zach is always reliable for a great cheesesteak so I would want him on my squad even if he struck out every at bat. (Apparently a distinct possibility.)

As for Zaber, we know him not at all, but we think the story about him working almost every day for three months is hilarious and we bet he spent that entire time just trying to figure out what a hedge fund is. We defy him to explain it to us! (If he can, then we just might tap him to handle our short-terms assets which we are looking to trade on the futures exchange and currently maintain an extremely low credit risk as long as their liquidity is ensured and they remain highly standardized [i.e. those underlying assets we own with a certain Saudi family whose name rhymes with Sin Gaden.]) Step to it, Zaber.

If this team were a band we guess they would be Big Head Staib and the Monsters because we are not clever.

Coming in a close second is Brett’s Team, The Sleepy Weird Guys.

Both Moleman and Evans on the same squad? If the game starts before 7, Evans will never get there, and if it doesn’t end before 8, Mole will be out.

Jack and Brett provide good firepower from the mound which should keep this team in contention even if they are a player short.

Nicole coached a softball squad so she might be an asset there, but we recently witnessed her ability to handle a drunken RB and we have to say it was far from impressive.

Lauren’s fielding skills are not to be trifled with and we are sure she will provide great moral support for Jack and the two of them will get along great and never argue.

As for RB, the reigning chugging and hot-dog eating champ (although we could have eaten three times that amount if we wanted to) is a solid player who provides a good bat and some base running prowess.

Gia is of course great, although he will have the added responsibility of maintaining a household this year, a difficult task for any wiffler.

Johnny Mac ran track so he should be a threat on the base paths and Racis works at Outback so he is always good for a Bloomin’ Onion and some serious indigestion.

Katherine is also on the team.

If this second place team were a band they’d be Atheist. (They are a real group, check it: says “Arguably the ultimate progressive metal band of their day, Atheist's impossibly Byzantine death-jazz proved too advanced even for committed metalheads to stomach. Over the span of three albums admirably recorded in spite of crippling adversity, the band's inventive but inaccessible style has earned them a lasting respect, but likewise compromised their chances of attaining widespread success.)

And finally we have Witham’s Squad, Team Eh?

Katie Leckel and Katie Gilligan as well as Shannon Petesgirlfriend are all fine female selections but the rest of these guys?

Mick. Sure he brings a positive attitude and some of that feisty, short Irish guy fire, but skill wise? Get the big red bat. Plus he lives in Philadelphia.

Pete. He’ll be at work. Or chasing the dragon.

Neil. He’ll have band practice. Two bands are a lot to handle and now that The Relay are on Ticketmaster, his time will really be monopolized (get it?).

Witham will be golfing or at work. (HAHAHAHAH Witham doesn’t have a job!!)

Smack is too busy bringing sexy back.

Chris Prima is another employee of that fine pizza establishment but we’re not sure what else he brings to the table and Jeff Hoban is quite a bartender but we doubt that translates in to a good batting average. (On the field that is, we hear he does quite well with the ladies.)

And of course there’s Jake. Who is awesome! (We assume the commission for this article is in the mail?)

Last place finish for this squad, who, if they were a band, would be called Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers simply because Witham would be incapable of thinking of another band name.


MVP – Mimi

Rookie of the Year – Mimi

Cy Young – Jack

This expert opinion – Not as funny as the other two

Most times absent – Skelly

Most times hooking up with Doon – Anne

Dual Award Biggest Head/Best at Ping Pong – Staib

Most times getting beat up in a parking lot – Anne/Toad

Most spaghetti – Mole

Most cigarettes smoked – Evans/Carney


Mick said...

You are doubting my skills, two season ago I lead the league with on base percentage in odd innings. Doubt that

Anonymous said...

doubt: a history

SMangat said...

"Carney is a former baseball player and his dad owns a bar. Better prerequisites for wiffleball do not exist."
- an absolutely brilliant passage

some other questions:
Why will Pete be chasing a dragon?

Who's Doon?

we have to wait a week for another expert breakdown?!

j a k e said...

Don't worry. I am going to post the next one on Sunday.

For now, I am off to go upperdeck Gia's new house.