Thursday, May 17, 2007

Expat Experts: Irving Longface

Catch a Wiff has enlisted the help of three friends who happen to be experts in the field of wiffleball and/or alcohol. They will be checking in from time to time throughout the season to provide insightful and unbiased opinions on the state of the league.

This feature rounds out the Expat Experts' draft analysis. I would have posted it earlier but Irving and I encountered a fairly serious speed bump. As many of you know, Irving is currently conducting his studies from the south side of the Mason-Dixon (or from behind the Retard Curtain, if you like). Irv completed his draft analysis weeks ago, but unfortunately the State of Alabama prohibits writing about anything that doesn't revolve around Alabama football. I think you'll find it worth the wait:


TEAM ONE: THE DINK TANK (i've taken the trouble of naming the teams for you this year)

anyway, yeah, dink tank, like "think tank", get it? yeah? fuck you then.

first off, this team kicks fucking ass. everyone that's seen staib hit a wiffleball will tell you that physics is a fucking joke and that staib violates its "laws" with his mind. and his bat. i once saw staib knock a baseball out of fenway park and he was hitting with a used condom. and i mean a real baseball, not one of those tarted-up lotto balls you jokers "play" with.

another guy i can't say enough about is zaber. how great is it going to be hearing willy yelling "staibAIR" and "zabAIR" from the dugout all season? answer: fucking unreal. everyone knows zaber completely outclasses the rest of the roster in terms of all-around ability, team spirit, and sportsmanship. this whole league’s existence is justified if only to remind everyone that zaber is the boss and you just work here and you're fired.

this rest of this team ranges from excellent to ubermensch. carney is the ubermensch. i’m bored of this team now.


this team is pretty cool because it has fifty fucking people on it. awesome. this team is like the raddest dorm room in the whole honors wing cos there's ten people in it getting drunk in the middle of the day and it's totally finals on monday!!1!

anyway, it IS finals on monday, and by “finals” i mean the first time that this team plays any other team and kicks the living shit out of them. and believe me when i say that this team is going to beat the balls off every squad that they face. i can think of five other wiffleball teams that this team is better than, AND I ONLY KNOW TWO OTHER WIFFLEBALL TEAMS.

dig on that for a minute.

ok, got your mind put back together yet? then get ready to have it blown up again. one word: witham. witham is going to bust this league open like a frozen beer. and then he'll pick up all the pieces and make an island. why? because he's a gentleman, that's why. and a top-shelf pitcher, or batter, or baseman, or whatever he does in this bullshit game. like i care.

i do care. i care primarily because there is a player on this team who completely prohibits apathy, or anything less than complete adoration. i'm talking about peter kennedy III (hi google). i've never seen pete play wiffleball, and yet that fact has done nothing to diminish my affection for him. i guess what i'm saying is that i'm in love with pete. pete, call me ;-)

i like the rest of this team too. they seem like good people. they got mick. i like him. they got jake. he's an alright dude. he drinks though. drinks bad. i don't know if you guys know that. he called me the other day drunk as hell and told me that the whole wiffleball league was just a set-up to get everyone on the field at once so that his "boy" could break into everyone's houses. come to the diamond unprepared and this team will rob you of the win and your gaybird widescreen tv.


this team is so kickass that i almost can't keep it together. seriously, i blacked out when i tried to read the roster. i got as far as "brett" and then i woke up on the floor with a bloody nose. this team makes the competition look like dead mice (i assume). another good thing about this team is everything. and gia. holy great god, gia. i don't understand why the rest of you guys even let gia play. you guys are gluttons for punishment. you guys must like being humiliated. you guys should just go all the way and wear leather masks and ball gags to gameday. i once saw gia play a wiffleball game so complete and perfect in its design and execution that afterwards i didn't speak for a year. and the next time i did speak it was to offer gia my lifelong servitude.

other people on this team who go the fuck off with a wiffleball bat are: evans, racis, moleman, johnny, and laur OOOPS BLACKED OUT AGAIN. let's just say "everyone".


well i think that about says it all. here are some outtakes from the original version:

- Many people in society have differing opinions on the good and bad characteristics of the three teams in the Wiffleball for Alcohol League. (rejected for poor wording)

- Msg for Jake czerwin WiffLEbll leauge Low-price Viagr@ and other meds CIALIS tnight Vista 4free (blocked by filter)

- shane kennedy, mrs shane kennedy, shane mckay kennedy, mrs s. kennedy (erased from the margins during initial edit)

from the sportsdink,

irving longface!


irving longface said...

i forgot to mention that staib's homerun ball hit a kid in the parking lot outside fenway, and the kid grew up to be president.

Mick said...

Was it a trojan condom? And has the longface seen the fiona apple video, not about love?

gia said...

Great analysis. Sound like something Chris Berman would read on the fastest 3-minute segment on Sportscenter.

wesley willis said...

suck a cheetah's dick