This feature rounds out the Expat Experts' draft analysis. I would have posted it earlier but Irving and I encountered a fairly serious speed bump. As many of you know, Irving is currently conducting his studies from the south side of the Mason-Dixon (or from behind the Retard Curtain, if you like). Irv completed his draft analysis weeks ago, but unfortunately the State of Alabama prohibits writing about anything that doesn't revolve around Alabama football. I think you'll find it worth the wait:
ALRIGHT SPORTS FANS LET'S GO:
TEAM ONE: THE DINK TANK (i've taken the trouble of naming the teams for you this year)
anyway, yeah, dink tank, like "think tank", get it? yeah? fuck you then.
first off, this team kicks fucking ass. everyone that's seen staib hit a wiffleball will tell you that physics is a fucking joke and that staib violates its "laws" with his mind. and his bat. i once saw staib knock a baseball out of fenway park and he was hitting with a used condom. and i mean a real baseball, not one of those tarted-up lotto balls you jokers "play" with.
TEAM TWO: LADY
this team is pretty cool because it has fifty fucking people on it. awesome. this team is like the raddest dorm room in the whole honors wing cos there's ten people in it getting drunk in the middle of the day and it's totally finals on monday!!1!
dig on that for a minute.
ok, got your mind put back together yet? then get ready to have it blown up again. one word: witham. witham is going to bust this league open like a frozen beer. and then he'll pick up all the pieces and make an island. why? because he's a gentleman, that's why. and a top-shelf pitcher, or batter, or baseman, or whatever he does in this bullshit game. like i care.
i do care. i care primarily because there is a player on this team who completely prohibits apathy, or anything less than complete adoration. i'm talking about peter kennedy III (hi google). i've never seen pete play wiffleball, and yet that fact has done nothing to diminish my affection for him. i guess what i'm saying is that i'm in love with pete. pete, call me ;-)
i like the rest of this team too. they seem like good people. they got mick. i like him. they got jake. he's an alright dude. he drinks though. drinks bad. i don't know if you guys know that. he called me the other day drunk as hell and told me that the whole wiffleball league was just a set-up to get everyone on the field at once so that his "boy" could break into everyone's houses. come to the diamond unprepared and this team will rob you of the win and your gaybird widescreen tv.
TEAM THREE: THE FIFTY FIRST DATES
this team is so kickass that i almost can't keep it together. seriously, i blacked out when i tried to read the roster. i got as far as "brett" and then i woke up on the floor with a bloody nose. this team makes the competition look like dead mice (i assume). another good thing about this team is everything. and gia. holy great god, gia. i don't understand why the rest of you guys even let gia play. you guys are gluttons for punishment. you guys must like being humiliated. you guys should just go all the way and wear leather masks and ball gags to gameday. i once saw gia play a wiffleball game so complete and perfect in its design and execution that afterwards i didn't speak for a year. and the next time i did speak it was to offer gia my lifelong servitude.
well i think that about says it all. here are some outtakes from the original version:
- Many people in society have differing opinions on the good and bad characteristics of the three teams in the Wiffleball for Alcohol League. (rejected for poor wording)
- Msg for Jake czerwin WiffLEbll leauge Low-price Viagr@ and other meds CIALIS tnight
- shane kennedy, mrs shane kennedy, shane mckay kennedy, mrs s. kennedy (erased from the margins during initial edit)
from the sportsdink,