Sunday, May 13, 2007

Expat Experts: The One Man Invasion

Catch a Wiff has enlisted the help of three friends who happen to be experts in the field of wiffleball and/or alcohol. They will be checking in from time to time throughout the season to provide insightful and unbiased opinions on the state of the league.

This week's feature is draft analysis by another former wiffle standout, Stephen Mangat (aka The One Man Invasion). From his unusual slap-and-run batting approach to his creative death-from-above pitching style, he will likely go down as the most gimmicky player in WFA history. True to form, this is the most gimmicky post on the blog yet: Steve sent his submission via carrier pigeon all the way from Romania.

From about a quarter of the way around the world, I come to you with with a pre-season, post-draft review of Wiffleball For Alcohol. Having spent the past week analyzing the few strengths and many weaknesses of each team, I can only decide that all of the teams are a shadow of those in the past. The league commissioner asked me to compare each team to a band and it didn't take much thinking to figure out that the teams would be Van Halen, Aerosmith and Bon Jovi respectively. Alternatively one could describe them as Wham!, Culture Club and Gary Glitter. Finally they could be Elton John, Liberace and the gay Italian guy who is blind. I'll leave it up to others to decide which team is which.

My first impression was surprise at the sheer number of participants in this year's season. I always thought that this league was an insiders-only elitist club for us. Now it seems as if Jake "Branch Rickey" Czerwin has gone out and open the doors to all kinds of riff-raff. This will be a disaster when one team shows up with nine and another shows up with five, three of which will be girls. I was also shocked at the number of girls participating. I always thought that the only reason that we allowed girls to play was because their respective boyfriends (Jack, Willyho, Lauren) wouldn't be allowed to play unless they were included. This still holds true for the most part, but the addition of Kate Gilligan and this Nicole girl is just a step too far. Who is this Nicole girl anyway? Mimi Huynh-ba is fine by me since she is a better athlete than most of the male participants and, actually, Staib's sixth round choice could prove to be the steal of the draft.

With that said, onto the draft breakdown!

I don't see how the captains were named and I'd like an explanation. I don't think any of them have every shown any kind of leadership qualities whatsoever. Brett did purchase the rights to but since he so rarely updates it, he can't get credit for that. Staib played on my soccer team when we were 11 or 12, but he quit after one season so he loses points there. I once saw Witham bong a beer before the sun came up because his stomach hurt. Edge to Witham. Flashing back to the days when yours truly played in the WFA, I don't remember Anne, Lauren or Kate Leckel being particularly useful. I don't know Katherine, but if she's dating Neil she's got to be a sucker and will subsequently be unable to lay off high heat and offspeed stuff. I have no idea how Kate Gilligan is playing, I thought she was still in Hawaii. I think she played lacrosse at SMH so that's a plus. It seems that no one knows who Nicole is so I will write nothing about her except I want an explanation as to who she is and why she is involved. We can't be elitists if we're letting everyone in New Castle County play.

Anyway, in regards to les filles, edge to Witham. The next two rounds make sense save for the inclusion of Pete. Frank, Jake, Jack, Carney and Gia are all tried and true vets that bring
guaranteed production. Pete, on the other hand, offers no such security. PK3's strength last season was his pitching but with the new league rules placing an emphasis on hitting, Pete is doomed. Also with the planet heating up, the odds are that Pete will spontaneously combust midway through the season. Edge to Staib and Brett, but if forced to take on I'll take Brett as the batter/pitcher combo of Gia and Sack Storm is top class.

The fifth round yielded solid second-tier players, but Witham's snag of the Mick with the 14th pick is a steal. An actual athlete, McConnell offers energy and will do whatever you tell him to do; this makes up for Witham's choice of Pete. Edge to Witham. The rest of the draft was filled with dross that will more than likely not be frequent participants. Staib's canny pick up of Michelle and Patass will prove to be the best of the bunch. I don't know if Chris Prima or Jeff Hoban are worth a damn (I'm guessing no). Who is this Chris Prima? Neil has never shone on the diamond either. Smack is a true wildcard but Brett says that he can't swim which is inexcusable, so he won't amount to much either. Brett took "ol' unreliable" Mike Evans and the Moleman, two potential contributors. The Mole should bring back the moustache and if Evans would grow a 'stache, they could really add something to Brett's squad. Last year's preview said that El Skell would be a bete noire for her paramour Sack Storm. I admit that I was wrong as Jack proved correct in stating, "there is only one person that can defeat Sack Storm and that is Sack Storm." Still I'm not expecting much from Lauren and why should I? Looking at the last few rounds, it's hard to tell how the picks will play out, kinda like how it takes a few seasons to really judge the NFL Draft. That said, we have to make a choice. Edge to Staib.

Here are some other predictions:

MVP - Witham (I talked to him on the phone the other day and he sounds primed)

Cy Young - Sack Storm (form is temporary, class is permanent; Sack is still the cream of the pitching crop)

Rookie of the Year - Mimi Huynh-ba (especially if her brother supplies her with the 'supplements' he was on last year)

League Champion - Witham's Team (they have Jake and we know how that works.)

That's all from this expert. Good luck to all teams.


Gia said...

mole didn't sport the mustache for the agreed upon time. He still owes 24 days.

SMangat said...

i want a commissioner ruling on this mustache controversy. if he shorted the days, i demand, demand! i say, the days be made up. possible suspensions for failing to comply. this mole has run astray of league policy for too long. i heard he was at a strip joint with the pac-man after his dogs won a few bouts at michael vick's spot. this man has gone too far.

Mick said...

He was at the strip club but he was with his girlfriend

anne said...

If Kelli can play wiffle like she can flick a dollar football then the other two squads are in big trouble.

Cap'n Nogg'n said...

Thats the second nod for victory team Staib has received in as many tries from proven world class wiffle experts. Do we even need to play the season?